I’ve not seen this email forward before so I thought I’d post it here….
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:-
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Authorized Contact Status which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. Press buttons as follows:
1) To make an appointment to see me;
2) To query a missing payment;
3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;
5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature;
6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home;
7) To leave a message on my computer [to leave a message, a password
to access my computer is required:
password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact];
8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 7;
9) To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The Authorized Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I’ve chosen a refrain from “The best of Woody Guthrie”:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual Contact will probably know it
by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost, a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is
the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a
fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your Authorized Contact will be
billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service
runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so
you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of 2% of my balance or $50 (whichever is more) to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client,”
Charles White